Get PINK ON PURPOSE

Get PINK ON PURPOSE
GET PINK ON PURPOSE

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Don't you think it's Time to... LEAN INTO THE LIFE YOU IMAGINE



Hey You! 


Living My Best Life--- August 2021
Trip to Cape Cod
Yes, YOU!!!

Do you feel like somewhere along the way you've given everything you have to everyone and everything, but YOU?

Do feel like you have lost who you are?

Like you don't even know who you are or what your place in the world is? 

What your purpose and passion are any more?

I know exactly how you feel. 

I understand the frustration, the feeling 'less than' and like you are just going through the motions...


Not really living, and barely feeling like you exist.

As a widow I experienced this loss of self, of purpose, of worth and value when my husband died. 

All that I was, and thought I would be, died with him.

I struggled to find my identity.

I was no longer a wife. My children were grown and starting to live their own lives so I wasn't needed to take care of them....

So I immersed myself in my work. I worked 2 jobs.

I ate little, and slept even less.

I carved out time for fun, but I felt like I was living someone else's life.

And then, I got Covid. As a nurse, working with people in their homes, we were never really sure where Covid may be hiding. Some patients were positive, but the ones who never got tested, or whose families were not being careful... well, it takes a mental and physical toll on you when you are trying to fight an unseen foe.

I have been left with long term Covid. Neurological and physical problems that NO ONE has any idea how to treat. 

This has meant that THE ONE THING that I was able to escape into... my work as a nurse... has been taken away, and with it the last bit of my identity.

So, I have been on a journey to rediscover ME.

To find myself, my reason for being, my place in the world, my PASSION.

And I have found it in the programs I designed to myself!

I have been taking some classes and workshops to become an Empowerment Mentor... and I am now offering my program,

Lean Into YOU!

To You, free of charge, because I believe it's time for YOU to start living the life you dream of living...

It's time to LEAN INTO THE LIFE YOU IMAGINE


So---

IF you answered YES to any of those questions above...

This challenge is for YOU! 

We will work together over 5 days to help you to rediscover who you are, who you want to be and why this is so important for you to keep showing up for YOU! 

Join Me Oct 4th - 8th at 12 noon EST

Each session will be about an hour.

And YES... there will be homework... but it will be the good kind!

I promise.


To register for the Lean Into YOU 5-day challenge

go to www.Colormeeverything.com

and follow the link directions at the top of the page.

Or click HERE and send me your name, contact info and what you want to gain from this challenge! 





Monday, August 2, 2021

A kind of love magic

 June 22 2021

I went away for a weekend last , nearly 5 days in hotels.
Hotels filled with older couples, my parents included, bickering and laughing and holding hands, speaking their own individual love languages that they have spent decades developing.
Some couples seem to be arguing, but on closer observation, or maybe introspection, I realized that is their dynamic. How they interact with one another all the time.
Other couples seem to have an unspoken language. A look, a gesture,  and the other completely understands.
One couple never said a word. They came to the lobby and got coffee and eggs, took their morning meds, sat in silence. So much so, that it almost appeared to be animosity. But, as I watched, he glanced over toward her, sipping her coffee and looking at the clouds outside... and a smile curled his mouth and his eyes twinkled.
In that moment I understood...
This was a couple who did not need words, touch even, to be completely in tune and truly happy. They were both secure and content to just BE in each other's presence.
I imagine that this is much like what an outsider would have seen , had anyone been watching, when John and I were together. Just content and secure in our relationship and our love that no words were required. To just be together, in the same room or under the same roof, it was enough to just BE together.
Being around these various couples, total strangers, warmed my heart, at times made me jealous, but always gave me hope that I will find that kind of love again.

For that glimpse into the love of these older couples...
I am ever so grateful.

Monday, July 26, 2021

Struggles and Triumphs... Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference

 I am struggling with so many covid related issues...

Good days are good...
but they are always followed by bad, or even worse, days.

There is no rhyme or reason.

No pattern.

No predictability.

No end in sight...
just endless doctors and tests and a brain that suddenly stops working...

often mid thought...

and we are left stuttering and frantically combing through our recent memory to try to figure out what it is we just lost...

oftentimes the memory is just gone.

Like a puff of smoke on a breeze.

Never to be recovered.

My hope is that by being transparent in my struggles, others will feel validated, less alone, and perhaps those unaffected or fully recovered with no long term affects will find compassion and empathy for us...

the long haulers who feel like we are losing a battle against an enemy we can not see.

Please read the article below...

This is an article that I hope will jog law makers to do more for us as we feel forgotten and unseen...

and many are near their breaking point


Many days I feel able to overcome the constant thrumming in my head with the never ending headache and body pains, joint stiffness and myriad other neurological, and emotional trials.

But some days...

The days when I cannot get out of bed, days when the pain, the dizziness, the never ending numbness and burning and sweating and exhaustion are too much to bear...

I remember that I am still here, on the planet.


A voice.

A chance to make a difference in the world.   

And even on those "off" days...

I find a TRIUMPH....
because I refuse to give up or give in.         

Struggles and Triumphs...
Sometimes IT IS HARD to tell the difference.


Saturday, July 10, 2021

Heres a little secret...

Here's  a little secret... 

When we lose a spouse we do not get over it...



We move forward...

Moving forward means they are still a part of who we are...

We have to remember that without our relationship with them...
We could not have become the person we are today.

Some of us learned what real love was...
Some what it wasn't...
Some how to be stronger...
Some how to let someone else in and trust... 

Without those lessons learned from...
or because of...
Our late spouse...

We could never be who we are now...

Moving forward into our new lives. 

Being the strong, confident, self assured...

Sometimes scared ...
and sometimes courageous...

Beautifully Broken Souls that we have become along the way.




Just my thoughts on this... 😊

Thursday, July 1, 2021

YOUR Story... ISN'T Over

 Your Story Isn't Over

As we go about our lives, 
post loss
post tragedy
post apocalypse...


Our stories become richer and healing, 
not just for ourselves, 
but to so many more than we could possibly imagine!

People cross our path for a reason...

They need you to tell them your story ... 

and that encounter then becomes a part of theirs.

Both have been made better somehow, 
for the acceptance and understanding that comes from shared experiences.

And, being seen, 
and known, 
validates each person...

Helps them to feel alive and real, 

If only for a minute.

That is enough to keep them moving forward; 

keep them trying to find their place in this new life...

And that is what this is really about...

Learing our lessons as we go...

Then guiding others by sharing the wisdom we have gathered along our journey.

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Searching for the Silver Lining

June 17, 2021

Today would have been our 25th Anniversary.

How ironic that I found myself here, at Hopkins, walking through the sky bridge from the parking garage and into the building, where we spent so much of our time in that last year together, on this day of all days, for the first time since you've been gone.

I tried not cry, but when I realized I had parked in nearly the same exact  place we would park to make it easier for you to walk across the bridge with your broken hip- because you refused to use a wheelchair no matter how much pain you had- I cried behind my sunglasses and mask crossing the bridge and navigating the halls we used to walk to your treatments and testing. 

The memories came flooding back.

Of the pain and the feeling of devastation when we got the final report...

But also of the love and laughter, the joys and adventures, the memories of all the days before you were sick and the days between the bad days...

Of the day we went to Annapolis and said I Do in the courthouse, of you down on your knee to propose with a real diamond ring and band on our 17th anniversary- it is the only time you were ever able to surprise me! 

And as I cried you laughed and gathered me close and said ' don't cry, be happy, we have the rest of our lives together' then you kissed my forehead and held me close.

Today I have so many emotions, memories, dreams left behind and dreams yet to be dreamt...

And in all of that, the one constant, is the love I feel from you that I carry forward with me, in my heart.



Happy 25th Anniversary 

John LeeRoye Bassford 

I would do it all again, even if it ended the same way, because Love like ours is rare and a thing to be cherished. Always.

Miss you and love you, my JohnnyAngel

Thursday, June 10, 2021

What is Your Worth... You ARE WORTHY!

What is your worth?

Did you know that everyone has value? 

That every person on this earth has something that someone else needs...

No matter where we are in this life....

someone else has been there before...

someone else has experienced the same feelings, heart aches, ups and downs, triumphs and sorrows...

Someone else has wisdom to impart that they have learned along the way.'

These Life Lessons give us insight, and knowledge and wisdom that others need to hear.

These Life Lessons offer hope and clarity and help others to get through the tough times and to begin to dream again.

So... Do Not Ask Yourself What is Your Worth...

Instead.... Remind Your Self that YOU HAVE VALUE AND THAT YOU CAN HELP OTHERS FIND THEIR WORTH TOO! 

Tuesday, June 8, 2021

Who Knew Life Could Be So EVERYTHING?

 I always thought I knew what my life would be like.

I was going to grow up, become a doctor and work with mitochondrial research.

I was never getting married... but if I did, I was never having kids.

And then I had kids--- six of them! 

And I got married--- 3 times!

And when my life was finally perfect, I was loved and I loved unconditionally...

My children were all growing into amazing, intelligent and really good people!

And then my husband got sick and then he died. 

And my kids were grown and on their own. 

And I was alone and afraid and all my dreams had died.

A dear friend made me drink a cup of her special coffee and it changed my life. No, seriously, it really did Happy coffee helped to combat the anxiety, sadness, despair I was feeling after my husband died, helped me to get my energy back, balanced my hormones so that I could function again... and I was losing weight! 

Without the Happy Co products I do not think I would have been able to survive. I would not have been able to begin to live again. 

I got a new job I loved. I met new people I had fun with but they didn't quite understand me. I joined widow groups so I could find people who understood me even when I didn't understand myself. 

I found my tribe of crazy widowed people online.

We went on trips together, we met for dinners and picnics and we were there to life each other up on the hard days and celebrate the good ones.

And through these, i began to feel like ME again.

I began to have dreams and make plans and set goals for myself.

I began to see the all the colors in my life come back to their full brilliance ...

They began to light my way and show me the path to living my life and feeling EVERYTHING!

And that is how COLOR ME EVERYTHING was born. I decided to create art using photos I have taken and unusual words or poems or phrases I have created and put them in an online store. These words and places in my photos have helped me to heal, to grow and to believe in myself again...

I have re-discovered how to LIVE LIFE FEELING EVERYTHING and i want to share that with the world! 

Who knew life could be so EVERYTHING?

And who knew EVERYTHING could be WONDERFUL!

Thursday, June 3, 2021

How Did I Get Here?

How Did I Get Here?

I wrote this about 3 weeks after my Covid infection. 

I wrote it down over several days...

It was so hard to read and to write, most days I could barley think coherently...

Some days I could not read , write or think at all.

All I could do was lay down and cry in pain...

I found this journal entry that I have no memory of writing.

I have short term memory issues now and am finding notes I wrote to myself, Facebook lives I recorded, that I cannot even remember doing. 

This is hard to see and acknowledge ...

the lost minutes, hours and days...

and to realize that I continue to have all of these symptoms, even 6 months later.

This is the journal I wrote to myself in early January...

January 2021-

I spent 5 weeks in the basement. I went in the week before Thanksgiving, and came out on Christmas day. I was finally night-fever free and I had finally tested negative.

The symptoms came on every day for nearly 4 weeks. The headache, loud humming in my head and nausea started first. Then came the vomiting and diarrhea. Next, all over body pain, the most concentrated in my lower back and hips and down my thighs. It felt like the bones were being burned and crushed at the same time. The mental confusion and inability to think and read and write started and is ever present still. I would sleep for 20 hours a day for days at a time, then be awake 20 hours a day for days on end. The symptoms continued to add on with the night sweats starting about day 7. Somewhere along the way the left eye began to lose vision clarity and have a haze at the peripheral vision. I also was having severe chest pain and it felt like every heart beat my heart was being stabbed. My 02 levels would drop to 90 but my heart would race to 130s to keep the oxygen level up. My body was compensating. I could not walk across the room without severe dizziness and heart pounding, shortness of breath. Talking and walking was a chore. My breathing was labored at rest. My fingers, toes, and left side of my face are numb. And all the symptoms would come and go, no rhyme or reason, every day, throughout the day, with no end in sight.

I cannot manage from day to day with any real routine. Sometimes I am feeling good when I wake. The headache level is good at 5 but as the morning goes the dizziness or balance issue worsens. I cannot drive unless it is a no dizzy day. I get maybe 2 or 3 a week. I will go to the store for an hour or 3, just wandering around to get some exercise and take advantage of being out of the house. But when I get home, I crash in exhaustion and find that I just cannot function.

Driving takes a lot of concentration because of all of the stimuli. I can't handle too much noise, light, activity around me or I just can't focus. This makes doing things very hard at times. And is exhausting mentally and emotionally.

If I cannot work as a nurse, cannot drive with any regular schedule, cannot read and comprehend and think clearly on a regular schedule , then what will I do, how will I take care of me and make money?

I really want to start a podcast taking about the trials of widowhood, depression, COVID. And I want to start an online community for women who have experienced life altering events,  people like me, to be able to speak to each other in a safe place and find help and support and advice and wisdom from each other.

I am doing my facebook lives as The Crazy Covid Lady in the basement. I Started them Dec 19th after 4 weeks in the basement.

I want to help people and my podcast, Beautifully Broken with Dawn- Learning to Let Your Colors Shine, is my way of trying to do that.

I have to stop writing because my head hurts so badly and my left eye vision is fading out. Like when a candle flickers then goes out, only it doesn't go out completely, it just stays faded. I know, weird.

It's all weird.

It's all too much sometimes.

But... I will be OK...

Eventually, because what other choice do I have?


Tuesday, June 1, 2021

One Small Step... That's All It Takes

 

One small step---

 I began journaling today after a few days of mental and physical exhaustion. 

The post covid syndrome sucks the life energy out of me with the least bit of exertion some days; 

my mental clarity and ability to think, speak coherently, focus and remember simple tasks comes and goes without rhyme nor reason. 

Original photoart by DawnRanae 2022

Today I decided to journal about that one small step.

The one that I took to come out of 5 weeks of isolation in the basement, the one that led me to It's Your Turn, the one that compelled me to join Made To Do This.... 

And the hundreds, thousands, millions of small steps I have taken along this life journey to get to this place I am now in.

 A place where my call to serve remains, but my ability to continue as a nurse is very likely not realistic. 

Because I contracted coronavirus from a patient. 

Because coronavirus infected my heart and brain. 

But I have persevered and overcome many hard times. 

I have been a teen Mom, a statistical anomaly graduating from high school in the top 5% of my class and graduating from nursing school at the same time,  a victim of domestic violence... 

And then, my wonderful husband, my lifelong best friend and the one who always lifted me up and gave me confidence to believe in myself...

Was diagnosed with cancer, and died. 

Leaving me with no money and a home I could no longer afford, 3 kids in college with tuition I could not pay. 

But the worst part was, my ability to dream had died too.

If I can overcome all of that...

I can overcome any deficits coronavirus has left me with...

I can achieve my goals... 

I can dream again... 

All it takes is that one small step. 

This blog is that One Small Step today.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

A Tale of Two Vaccines

Tale of 2 Vaccines 

I got the text that my vaccine was scheduled for Sunday April 4th at noon.

I was so excited and responded YES immediately.

Ok, that WAS Easter, but hey, if they want me at Six Flags at noon on Easter...

I AM THERE! 

Then I got a text that my NEW appointment was Friday April 9th and M&T Stadium.

Then I got a confirmation for Noon on the 4th.

all of that happened from March 26 to March 31.

So I called the Health Dept on the 31st to make sure I knew what day and where to go. I surely didn't want to miss it! 

A spoke to a lovely lady who said there was no record of M&T appointment and the 4th at Six Flags was my 'Official' appointment.

Then I got a text, at 10am on the 4th, that my NEW appointment was for Friday the 9th of April at 845am. Ok, now I get to spend Easter luncheon with the family. Yay! 

The 5th, Monday, I got a text that my NEW appoint was scheduled for Tuesday the 6th.

I responded YES. Then realized it was for M&T , not Six Flags. 

And now I had not 1, but 2 vaccines scheduled!!!

What a dilemma... ok, not really. 

I went to M&T on Tuesday the 6th at 845am! 

And this is how that appointment went...

Today I got the first Pfizer vaccine in my right arm. Vax 2 is scheduled for 5/5/21 at 945am.

I was really excted and nervous to get this vaccine. As I sit here, in the waiting area post shot, I am trying to catch my breath and get my heart rate down. It was 100 but is now 82 after 15 minutes of rest. The heart rate is still irregular and I have trouble catching my breath with the mask on.

I arrived at 830am and received my vaccine at 917am. It was 45 minutes of constant walking.

 Walking across the parking lot to the entrance. 

Walking through the lower promenade of the stadium in the que, like lemmings, or perhaps more like sheep being herded toward an unknown fate. The only difference is that unlike sheep, we are all here of our own accord. The hundreds of us in this never ending, continuous, moving line that winds it's way around and around, back and forth, throughout the stadium concourse, toward a big, white tent. 

At some point, an iPad is thrust into our hands and we are told to enter our information for pre-screening.

Just before reaching the tent, the end of the journey?

Someone takes the tablet and asks us the standard questions we have all grown accustomed to... 

have you traveled out of the US, been in contact whit someone with COVID, had COVID symptoms in the past 14 days...

The same ones we are asked every where we go in these COVID times.

Finally, at the entrance of the tent, is another que.

Id in hand, we are directed, one by one, to a registration desk... mine is Lucky 7! 

My pre-screening is pulled up on the screen and I am officially registered and cleared to receive my vaccination today!

YAY!

Onward and Upward!

Yes, upward. At this point I have walked continuously for nearly 30 minutes and am both exhausted and winded.

My head has been pounding at a level 10 since waking this morning and the truck running in my head is at full throttle.

I have new swelling in my feet, especially the right, with bruises I cannot find a reason for. 

I gained 3 pounds overnight, again, for no apparent reason and my gums have been bleeding off and on all morning.

The walking with a mask on, no feeling in my feet and a feeling of swelling in right knee growing as I've moved with the herd, is not easy and the irregular heartbeat and muffled breathing makes the fatigue more pronounced as I go.

At last... there is an escalator to the injection center on the second floor concourse. And at the top... Another que.

But, the end is now truly in sight!

There, laid out across the entire concourse, is the vaccination center. Rows of desks where the injection is given, and just beyond, rows of chairs where those who have been vaccinated go to wait their required post-vax time to ensure they have no adverse reactions.

My turn to step up is at hand and I am assigned B4.

Mary and Greg are the wonderful nurses who attend to me. They double check my personal data. Ask about preexisting conditions. I tell them Lupus, Fibromyalgia and long term COVID. 

Apparently this puts me into a high risk category. I MUST wait for 30 minutes after the injection in a special section by the medical team.

And it is done! Mary administered the vaccine with such skill it was not even noticed. Greg was so kind and thoughtful, making sure I was seated in the proper area and the medical team knew I was a long hauler and to be extra mindful of my status.

As I sat there, listening to the radio that had been playing since I had entered the stadium at 830am... I heard one of 'Our' songs. It was the second one that had played since I had entered the stadium at 830am. It was comforting. It made me feel like maybe, just maybe, John was there keeping watch over me to make sure I was OK. To let me know he is still with me, even now, nearly 3 years later. 

I hope that is true and by the unusual timing of certain songs, just when I need them, I think that perhaps he really is speaking to me in our way, through music.

My 30 minutes was up! 947am and I could leave. I headed down the stairs, slowly, holding onto the railing for dear life. 

At the bottom I was ushered out thru a large metal gate and into the outer courtyard of the stadium where there are huge statues of Johnny Unitas and Ray Lewis, both wearing masks.

I snapped a picture of each, I mean you don't have to be a Ravens fan to recoginize, and appreciate great players, right?

I slowly made my way on the reverse route to my car. Got in and took several minutes to catch my breath and feel steady enough to make the 20 minute drive home.

About halfway home, I began to get dizzy and feel very warm with palpitations. 

Luckily, I made it home and did a FB live update before the nausea, vomiting and diarrhea started. Which was rapidly followed by debilitating pain every where , a headache at level 20 and dizziness that made my balance so bad I could not get out of bed for 5 days. 

The physical and mental exhaustion was at active COVID level, like when I was on isolation in the basement in November and December. When it hits, like a tidal wave without warning, it is much like I imagine a marathon runner feels after a hard run race. 

It was so bad for the first week I could not function well at all. Today is 2 weeks post vaccine and I am still experiencing debilitating exhaustion, memory gaps and confusion and body aches from head to toe off and on randomly throughout each day, never knowing what will hurt and how badly, from day to day. it has taken me 2 weeks to be able sit here and write this out, but I have been making voice recordings, dictation if you will, into my phone over these 2 weeks so that I could accurately transcribe my experience for those who are curious as to how I am doing.

And that, my dear friends, is where I am today.

Less severe symptoms than for the week following Vax #1, but not yet down to the pre- vax somewhat manageable levels. 

The statistics show approx 35% of long haulers find some relief from the vaccine, approx 52% have no change in symptoms and the remaining approx 13% experience relapse.

Lucky me... I am, yet again, in the rare and unpredictable group for this Long Term COVID.

I am getting Vax #2 may 5th. Fingers crossed I don't end up in bed for a week again... and maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who gets better and is able to live , if not a normal life, then something a bit closer to what I once lived.

Until next time... Love from Dawn- The Crazy Covid Lady

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Wishful Wednesday ... Yep, That's What Today Is!

 

 Hello and Happy Wishful Wednesday! 

I have been following a format with my Facebook lives over the past year-ish and decided to do the same with my blog posts.

So--- it's Wednesday and that means it is time to talk about what I wish for me and you.

First, I'd like wish a Happy Easter to my christian friends and  

Chag Pesach semach to my Jewish friends. 

This year the week from Palm Sunday to Easter and Passover coincide. I like to say that there are no concidences, just God being anonymous. Maybe it is not so much our differences that we should be focusing on, but rather, our similarities. 

The Jewish traditions are actually the foundations of Christianity, as Jesus was indeed a devout practicing Jew. The traditions celebrated throughout the year by our Jewish friends and neighbors, are in fact, found in the Christian Old Testament.

In this past year of Covid-Times, I feel like we have seen how we are more alike than not. And that it does not matter where you live, what religion you are, whether you are Vegan, Gluten Free, a SAHM or a NinjaMom who can do and be everything!

What we have come to understand it that we all love our families. 

We all want to keep our people healthy and happy.

We all miss the life we used to live, but have come to understand that we are all in this together.

So... during this Holy Week...

My Wish For All is that we continue to see how we are alike and celebrate those things as we move forward into Spring and into a season where we will begin to see the world re-opening.

My wish is that we will soon be able to mix and mingle and hug and laugh and cry together - in person- and celebrate all the holidays and events that were lost to the restrictions of 2020.

Today... and every day... I wish for only the best for all of you.




Monday, March 29, 2021

Welcome to the New and Not-So-Improved Dawning!

 Hey There! 

 I know. 

It has been a month of Sundays and a couple Blue Moons since last I posted here.

Life got in the way... in a HUGE way.

All the kids have graduated high school and grown. 

Some have finished college and have real college degrees! 

 And HeMan Hubby got cancer...     and then he died.                                                                                                  


And just when I thought I was going to be OKAY...

I had to hurry up and sell our home of 25 years before it got foreclosed on... ( that's a whole other story)

So, 1 year ago I moved out of the home The BusyFamily had lived, loved, celebrated and, yes, had hearts broken in, even died in. 

I am now living with SmartGirl and Manchild, in her home.

My credit was destroyed. My life torn to shreds. I have been discarded by people I thought were my friends. I have been cast aside by people who promised to help and care and love me. 

I have been put down and made to feel 'Less Than'.

I have been made to doubt myself and my motives for all that I do.

And in the process of all of this I have had to come to terms with the loss of HeMan Hubby. The loss of the life I had and all that we had planned for our future. I have had to try to figure out who I am, what my purpose is and where, exactly, I fit in in this new life that I never asked for.

So... Many moons ago, I started a blog. I called it Dawning because I was being open, honest and real about my life, and my quest to find myself as my children grew up and no longer needed me. As my husband and I found ourselves with more time together and were learning to be adults who loved each other, liked each other and were still in love with each other.

The turns that LIFE has thrown my way are not unique to me. 

They are not new or rare.

And that is why I am back here. Why I am putting it all out there...

Openly and honestly. My hope is that as I travel this new road, live this life I never wanted...

That you come find a common thread, find some peace, a truth, a connection that brings you along with me, and in the shared journey we are able to find our place, our truth and heal...

Together.