Inside Looking Out

I read a book today.




There were presents to wrap, dishes to wash, dinner to cook, floors to clean, pies and cookies to bake...
did I mention there were presents, for the kids, that had to be wrapped before they got home from school?

Yeah, I was just gonna read for a bit with my morning coffee.
In the book, the boy has Aspergers Syndrome.
Like TeenBoy... only different.

I kept reading until lunch time when I suddenly found myself sitting, staring at the page.

Eyes burning, throat raw, sore from the tears I was swallowing.

No -I think to myself- TeenBoy is much milder, he doesn't do all those things like in the kid in the book
Yes- he does I whisper back... wiggling fingers, endless pacing, needing to stand in class or get out into the hall for a while, reading a book to be able to focus on the teacher's lecture, the holes in the wall, the closet door, the bedroom window, growing his bangs out to use them as his screen from eye contact, difficulty making friends.

In the book the author explains having Aspergers in a way that really made sense...
Imagine you are on one side of a plastic membrane and the world is on the other. Sometimes you can hear and see what is going on but just not enough to understand and you can't ever break through the barrier- always trapped inside with no way out and no way to make anyone hear you.

I finished the book today.
I only meant to read a bit when the kids left for school, something to enjoy my morning coffee by.
I ate my lunch and skipped dinner with it.

Then I closed the cover and went to bed wondering if I am as good a mother as the one in the book
Then I realize I want to be like a fictional character ...

But it could be worse I think to myself...
I could want to be like Martha Stewart... again.


The book?--- House Rules by Jodi Picoult