That Dreaded Day...

 

Every Month has a 22nd...

And every month I hate that day

Even after all this time...

I still look at the clock at 6:50am...

I still hold my breath like I did as he drew his last breath...

I still feel the warmth of his hand in mine

as he squeezed it for the very last time...

I still hear his heart beat in my ear as I laid my head on his chest 

for just one more nap...

And I still love him and miss him and wish our story could have had

a different ending...

Original FB post date 4/22/2019

Thanks for the Memories FaceBook!

Memories are a fickle thing.

Amelia Island January 2017... Before my world ended

They can be triggered by anything, and often the worst ones are the first that come to mind.

But, if you move those out of the way,

you just might find the golden nugget memory that makes all the difference in that series of memories.

Like this one, of a day spent in the sunshine and fresh air of Florida...

Sitting at the marina cafe' and making plans for a future there...

My trip to Europe, 3 years ago, was filled with the most amazing experiences and memories... 

Cake Time- Wasserschloss Im Glatt
12/ 2018

and also, some of the most terrifying and lonely moments of my life.

My sister and I went to Glatt.

A little village in the Black Forest, or maybe it is next to the black forest?

Why did you go there, you may ask.

And you may think, Black Forest = Cuckoo clock, right?

Wrong!

Black Forest = Cake Time!

Yes!

They do not open restaurants until , like 6pm.

( at least in the European countries I visited)

So from 1pm to 4pm they have CAKE TIME!

I guess it is like Tea Time,only you can have coffee or tea, and CAKE!

So my sister and I went to the Black Forest for Cake Time...

My sister with her 1/4 cake sized slice and tea  

For 4 Euros you got a pot of coffee and a SLAB of the cake of your choice!

And man, were they tough choices to make!

Black Forest cake (of course), Strawberry Cream cake, Carrot Cake, Chocolate torte and so many more... and we cannot forget the PIES!!!!

It was a border-line diabetics dream meal.

And it was delicious and simply lovely...

The food and the time spent with my sister making memories to last a life time.

My late husband... aka Uncle Grinch
I LOVE the Grinch... the Dr Suess one too

Random photos, memes, posts from loved one long gone...

like a voice from the past reminding you of a private joke, a happier time...

Promises made... and Promises broken....

But real LOVE that never goes away...

Instead, it echoes through the heart, bringing a smile at the memory...

A longing to turn back time and relive those moments again...

As nothing ever happens without a reason...

lessons to be learned, life experiences required to be able to continue healing and moving forward...

Bucket List:
✔Whale Watching
✔Make a new bucket list 

Those Facebook memories pop up to remind us of what we may have forgotten,

to show us how far we've come and perhaps,

even to let us know that we really are going to be ok.

So, Thanks for the memories, Facebook!

Please Follow, Like and Share this blog!

Follow me on social media and check out my website- where all my passions come together!

Podcast: Beautifully Broken with Dawn Ranae

IG: @dawnranae_h   FB: DawnRanae  

website: Color Me Everything - Where all my passions come together

FB Group: Beautifully Broken with DawnRanae

Your Best IS Enough !

Winter Sky Sunset...
How can we not be worthy when Nature gives us such dazzling art to enjoy daily?

My blogging journey had evolved over the years...

I am the wife HeManHubby... or, I was... until he got sick and died 4 years ago.

I am BusyMom to 6 amazing children..

GoodMom, who is still doing great and working and raising FancyPants and GMan;

BratChild, who has graduated with 2 college degrees as single mom, and McCutie is thriving.

After HeMan Hubby died from cancer, I sold the house we built, the one we raised our 6 children in... and moved in with SmartGirl and ManChild. We get along pretty well.

TeenBoy has become an amazing young adult, and now lives in the Pacific Northwest , looks very Grizzly Adams-like and loves the laid back hippy-ish vibe where he and Gypsy fit right in. I guess I'll have to call him GrizzlyMan? Well, he IS nearly 27 now so...

And then there was SIX... what can I say? He, too, is grown, living his own life and doing pretty well at the ripe old age of 23. 

Yes, I am still their mom, but these days not quite the BusyMom I was...

I have endured becoming widowed, contracting Covid-19 and nearly dying, the loss of my ability to work as a nurse due to the long term health complications of something called      Long Covid, or as it is more commonly called- Long Haul Covid and I am a Long Hauler.

I am a survivor of life's challenges, disappointments, smack downs, and completely life altering and soul crushing experiences.

Am I stronger than you?

Am I more resilient than you?

Am I super human, uncaring, unfeeling...

any of the things that people have labeled me through out my life because I keep showing up for me?

No...

What I am is determined to NOT LET THE BAD THINGS WIN!!!

Is it easy... not even a little bit.

Is it worth the effort... HELL YES IT IS...

            BECAUSE I AM WORTH THE EFFORT...

            AND SO ARE YOU...

            And don't you let any one tell you otherwise!

Beautifully Broken with DawnRanae- the podcast

IG: @dawnranae_h

FB: @colormeeverything

Website: www.colormeeverything.com - where all my passions come together

Real Talk Tuesday - honesty is the best policy

 Today's episode was hard for me to do. But if I am honest, it was also easier than I thought it would be. Admitting to having doubts, feeling like you don't belong, suffer from depression and anxiety is like walking into a room full of strangers naked. Until you realize that everyone else in that room is naked too, is dealing with the very same issues you are and that they are your tribe... As a society it has become acceptable to talk about famous people's intimate lives, discuss sexual orientation, give our opinions on other's people's lives... But opening up the discussion about mental health is Taboo? 

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

 Veterans Crisis Line: 1-888-777-4443   

A Book I recommend for every one as an audio book read by the author with extra content not in the paper edition:

Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson aka TheBlogess 

My goal, wish, sincere hope, is that by opening the discussion, by being honest about my struggles, others will feel encouraged to reach out to those who are struggling; that those who are feeling the things I feel, or have their own mental health issues, will be able to open the conversation with their family, friends and really get this topic into the mainstream.  

Let's talk about when you are not OK. 

Let's talk about suicide and how prevalent it is now, how it is affecting all people of all colors and education levels and how we cannot afford to lose one more person to it.  

If talking about my self doubts and feelings of being less than can make a difference for just one person...then overcoming my fear to tell the truth was worth it. 

Follow me on social media and check out my website- where all my passions come together! IG @dawnranae_h   

FB: @colormeeverthing website: www.colormeeverything.com 

FB Group: Beautifully Broken with DawnRanae

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6PTb3VZrgmcWFzh0gwSioC?si=NWBwNI4wQweVyRMVGscvWg&utm_source=copy-link

Don't you think it's Time to... LEAN INTO THE LIFE YOU IMAGINE

Hey You! 

Living My Best Life--- August 2021
Trip to Cape Cod

Yes, YOU!!!

Do you feel like somewhere along the way you've given everything you have to everyone and everything, but YOU?

Do feel like you have lost who you are?

Like you don't even know who you are or what your place in the world is? 

What your purpose and passion are any more?

I know exactly how you feel. 

I understand the frustration, the feeling 'less than' and like you are just going through the motions...

Not really living, and barely feeling like you exist.

As a widow I experienced this loss of self, of purpose, of worth and value when my husband died. 

All that I was, and thought I would be, died with him.

I struggled to find my identity.

I was no longer a wife. My children were grown and starting to live their own lives so I wasn't needed to take care of them....

So I immersed myself in my work. I worked 2 jobs.

I ate little, and slept even less.

I carved out time for fun, but I felt like I was living someone else's life.

And then, I got Covid. As a nurse, working with people in their homes, we were never really sure where Covid may be hiding. Some patients were positive, but the ones who never got tested, or whose families were not being careful... well, it takes a mental and physical toll on you when you are trying to fight an unseen foe.

I have been left with long term Covid. Neurological and physical problems that NO ONE has any idea how to treat. 

This has meant that THE ONE THING that I was able to escape into... my work as a nurse... has been taken away, and with it the last bit of my identity.

So, I have been on a journey to rediscover ME.

To find myself, my reason for being, my place in the world, my PASSION.

And I have found it in the programs I designed to myself!

I have been taking some classes and workshops to become an Empowerment Mentor... and I am now offering my program,

Lean Into YOU!

To You, free of charge, because I believe it's time for YOU to start living the life you dream of living...

It's time to LEAN INTO THE LIFE YOU IMAGINE

So---

IF you answered YES to any of those questions above...

This challenge is for YOU! 

We will work together over 5 days to help you to rediscover who you are, who you want to be and why this is so important for you to keep showing up for YOU! 

Join Me Oct 4^th - 8^th at 12 noon EST

Each session will be about an hour.

And YES... there will be homework... but it will be the good kind!

I promise.

To register for the Lean Into YOU 5-day challenge

go to www.Colormeeverything.com

and follow the link directions at the top of the page.

Or click HERE and send me your name, contact info and what you want to gain from this challenge! 

A kind of love magic

 June 22 2021

I went away for a weekend last , nearly 5 days in hotels.
Hotels filled with older couples, my parents included, bickering and laughing and holding hands, speaking their own individual love languages that they have spent decades developing.
Some couples seem to be arguing, but on closer observation, or maybe introspection, I realized that is their dynamic. How they interact with one another all the time.
Other couples seem to have an unspoken language. A look, a gesture,  and the other completely understands.
One couple never said a word. They came to the lobby and got coffee and eggs, took their morning meds, sat in silence. So much so, that it almost appeared to be animosity. But, as I watched, he glanced over toward her, sipping her coffee and looking at the clouds outside... and a smile curled his mouth and his eyes twinkled.
In that moment I understood...
This was a couple who did not need words, touch even, to be completely in tune and truly happy. They were both secure and content to just BE in each other's presence.
I imagine that this is much like what an outsider would have seen , had anyone been watching, when John and I were together. Just content and secure in our relationship and our love that no words were required. To just be together, in the same room or under the same roof, it was enough to just BE together.
Being around these various couples, total strangers, warmed my heart, at times made me jealous, but always gave me hope that I will find that kind of love again.

For that glimpse into the love of these older couples...
I am ever so grateful.

Struggles and Triumphs... Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference

 I am struggling with so many covid related issues...

Good days are good...

but they are always followed by bad, or even worse, days.

There is no rhyme or reason.

No pattern.

No predictability.

No end in sight...

just endless doctors and tests and a brain that suddenly stops working...

often mid thought...

and we are left stuttering and frantically combing through our recent memory to try to figure out what it is we just lost...

oftentimes the memory is just gone.

Like a puff of smoke on a breeze.

Never to be recovered.

My hope is that by being transparent in my struggles, others will feel validated, less alone, and perhaps those unaffected or fully recovered with no long term affects will find compassion and empathy for us...

the long haulers who feel like we are losing a battle against an enemy we can not see.

Please read the article below...

This is an article that I hope will jog law makers to do more for us as we feel forgotten and unseen...

and many are near their breaking point

Many days I feel able to overcome the constant thrumming in my head with the never ending headache and body pains, joint stiffness and myriad other neurological, and emotional trials.

But some days...

The days when I cannot get out of bed, days when the pain, the dizziness, the never ending numbness and burning and sweating and exhaustion are too much to bear...

I remember that I am still here, on the planet.

That I still have a purpose . Article Written by Covid Long Hauler 8 months in

A voice.

A chance to make a difference in the world.   

And even on those "off" days...

I find a TRIUMPH....

because I refuse to give up or give in.         

Struggles and Triumphs...

Sometimes IT IS HARD to tell the difference.