Motivate Me...

I have fallen into a funk.

That place where my thoughts run rampant but my body just doesn't seem to have the energy to keep up...
That place where I find myself in the cold, dead of winter...
That place that makes me doubt my purpose in life...
and feel helpless and listless and drained.

I have been in this place more times in my life than I'd like to admit.
I always come out of it, but each time it feels like a piece of me is forever gone...
Unretrievable... although I am sure that is NOT a real word...
it is what I feel happens to me with each episode of this funk that I encounter.

I know that life is what you make of it...
I put on a happy face...
I do what needs to be done...
but my motivation to do more....
to be more....
seems to have left me.

I know that it will get better.
When the sun shines brighter...
and the earth warms in the spring....
my outlook on life will improve.

Until then, I will continue to do what I must...
to take care of those I love...
and who love me...

Because that is what a good wife...
a good mother...
a good daughter...
does...

Where, oh where, have all my thoughts gone?

I have been feeling a bit under-inspired the past week.

Now, not to worry!
I am, almost certainly, sure it is a direct result of the somewhat depressing events of the past month or so...

Death, illness, the kids getting out of school... You know, the normal stuff.

In an attempt to get my creative writing juices flowing I tried using a Random Topic Generator .

It sounded like a good idea at the time... really, it did!

Until I saw some of the topics:

Reasons to not be popular - okay had no idea this was something you could actually choose!

Getting up in the morning - well, first I roll over, then I sit up, then I put my feet on the floor, then I stand up then... Voila' I'm out of bed!

Fun things to do with your lunch - Hmmm, I guess eating it isn't fun enough?

Numerical sight-singing - Ummm, what?

Anti-gravity technology- the only thing I know about this is... astronauts use it to train for outer space... and you float if you have no gravitational pull.

AS you can see by the above topics - and mind you these are the good ones- I was not so sure about the whole topic generator thingy.

But look! It actually worked. Not exactly the way the developer thought, or the way it was marketed for use, but it did generate some blogging material.

Very much like my life, I'd say.

Things, events, plans are made with specific end results in mind.
But rarely, if ever, do the end results actually resemble the original.

Adapt. Go with the flow. Don't sweat the small stuff... and it's all small stuff.

And in the words a a world renowned author :

It's all fun and games until somebody gets a paper cut!

Oh, Come on June 30th...

A Poem ..for no other reason than it's what my fingers typed when I placed them on the keyboard

Days run together
I can't remember if I'm to run to
or away from them
some days I can't remember who I am
or where I am going

Days run together
Into weeks
Into months
Into years
I look back and can't remember
exactly how I got here

Days run together
I hope I'm not too late
to find the joy in my life
in my loved ones
my family and friends

Days run together
oh so quickly they fly
One day we'll look back
at these shared memories
the love of my life and I

It better be soon though, cause my memory just ain't what it used to be!

Reading blogs only makes me jealous, then I get depressed so I should have just eaten the chips and dip to begin with...

This is for everyone who quotes song lyrics... girl of 16 whole life ahead of her slashed her wrists bored with life didn't succeed thank the lord for small mercies...
and YES this is one of my FAVORITE songs... another is NUMB by Linkin Park... And you all thought I was not DOPE!
Dope, for those not as DOPE as I, means the same thing as WAY cool, gnarly, and wicked, you know from back when you were a little kid, or at least younger and WAY cooler than you are now.
FaceBook is entertaining and I was concerned when I thought it had left me, but as I stated on my FB status FB hadn't REALLY left me, we were just taking a little break.
During that break I got caught up on some blogs I like ( written by people that are not me that is- although I am not totally sure I like the blogs I write).
Anyway, I read those while watching some DVR'd shows from last week... well I let them play so I can delete them without feeling bad about using up the DVR space on them in the first place.
So, anyhow, once I got caught up on the blog posts I realized that tons of people make comments about them. Like every single post had at least a dozen or more comments on them. And then I took a look at my blog and sure enough right there for all the world to see is ... nothing. Not one single comment.
Ok- I have like 5 people in the world who actually read what I post and most of them are family so I'm not exactly sure they count.
But maybe I am totally off base and more people read what I write, but are just so touched by my words as to be left speechless, or in the case of the internet, temporarily paralyzed from the wrists down?

Well- I got that little tic out of my system and now I want to find the tape of that song I was quoting , but now that I think about it even if I do find the cassette, I have no way to actually play it since the kids broke my boom box and the new van has satellite radio, a cd and 2 ( yes 2) dvd players, but no cassette player...
And now I am really bummed because I can't even download the song to my totally awesome iPod that my equally awesome husband bought me so I could listen to music or watch videos while at work, or at school functions where the music or play may not be as good as what I have on my iPod... but I can't because Not Me- the kid who lives here but is NEVER seen has apparently broken my 40gig ( i think that is what John said it is) iPod and this same kid who I DID NOT give birth to has evidently lost, or borrowed, or sold my iPod Shuffle- the one with my name engraved on it so I can prove to my kids it really is mine?... so now I have to see if I know anyone who may, or may not, have that song on a dvd so I can download it to the computer in my van so I can got outside for REAL music when the kids are playing that Sreamo crap that doesn't even have lyrics so can't really be called songs, now can they?
And you were wondering why my favorite songs are depressing???
Welcome to my life!

Mortgages and Nightmares- The Same Thing?

Just when you think everything you have worked so hard for is about to happen, it doesn't.
Has that ever happened to you? Well of course it has. And it leaves you feeling down and put upon to say the least.

I have been working with our mortgage company to get our adjustable rate loan modified since January of this year. Please note I said since January. That would imply that the process is not yet complete because it isn't.

I have filled out forms no less than 4 times, over-nighted and faxed them to our account manager multiple times and made dozens and dozens of phone calls requesting return calls to no avail, have gone through 4 of the required 3-month trial payment periods to find myself still waiting.

And just when it looks like the modification is finally done.... it's not.
A new account manager, more forms to fill out, more tax forms needed, more time, more money, more stress and anxiety...

And when it is all said and done what will we have?

That remains to be seen.... I'm off to fax yet another round of forms I have already faxed to answer questions I have already answered...

Finger's crossed...just one last time?

Remote Control

Who here knows what a remote control is?
Ok, stupid question, or is it?
There are remote controls in my home for the TV, stereo, DVD player, ceiling fan, garage door... and I am sure there are some for hubby's techie things that I have no inkling of.
However, I think that in our house we may be missing the most important remote control.
What else is there you ask?
Remote--- means what? Away or from a distance. And Control? Well it means to manage or to have exclusive handling of a thing or person. Look at the words in this way and remote control means to manage a thing or person from a distance. Remote can also mean isolated. So to manage and isolate something or someone...
In our home we are loud and active and , well a bunch of gregarious game-playing, sports-watching, competitive people. Of these the worst is probably the competitiveness, and I am the most guilty. I have always been competitive and have spent my life striving to do better, be more, exceed and succeed at everything and anything that I do.
I now have a 13 year old son who is very competitive, and like all 13 year old boys he is growing. Not just in height, but in physical and emotional ways that teen aged boys cannot adequately be prepared for. This is where the missing remote control comes in ( bet you thought I forgot what I was talking about again, didn't you?) To manage and isolate something... I think that we have not taught our son, me most especially, to manage and isolate his feelings of angst and aggression. To take hold of his competitiveness and funnel that energy and drive into less angry expressions and activities and into more focused and, dare I say it, controlled and structured outlets. And I think that I need to help him find a way to monitor his thoughts so that he does not feel that he has to suppress his feelings and try to be something he is not. Let' s face it. Being a 13 year old boy is hard, but in these times of economic uncertainty, constant peer pressure and the need for approval added to the pressure to succeed in school- from pre-k through 12th grade so you can get into a good college, excel at extracurricular sports as soon as you can walk so you have a chance to get a scholarship and the expectations that every parent has for their child to be THE BEST at everything... Who wants to be 13 again?? Really, anyone? You there in the back jumping about wildly waving your arms... you don't count because you haven't reached puberty yet!
All kidding aside, has our society put these pressures on our teen boys, or have we as 40-somethings who grew up in a time when not everyone could go to college because there was no money, or because we did not realize the good grades had to start in kindergarten or because , well I'll just say it, our parent's didn't go and they turned out fine; are we the ones who have pushed and prodded our children to become over-acheivers, with more hectic schedules than our own, with no down time to just be a normal teen ager with the normal highs and lows emotionally and physically?
In my case I will admit to expecting my son to do his best and be the best at everything he does. This is what was expected of me as a child and I fared not too badly.But, perhaps I have not taken the time to nuture his emotional side and emerging sense of self. Because he is extremely intelligent I find that I expect more from him than of my other 5 children at this age. I have done my son a disservice and I need to find a way to let him know. I also have to find a way to help him voice his feelings and to nuture him and let him grow, inside and out, into the amazing and caring and absolutely wonderful human being that I know he really is.
What prompted me to go down this road to self-awareness and acceptance of my failure ( GOD I hate that word! I hate to fail at anything, but this is the only thing that I cannot afford to fail at-- being THE BEST parent I can be) as a parent to my 2nd son. I expected him to be like his big brother and did not change this expectation as he grew, even though I knew he was a totally different kind of kid. This is my shortcoming as The Mom and I have to take responisibility for this. Again, why am I worried about this at this particular time? He has grown more than a foot and gained over 30 pounds in the last 10 months. He is as tall as I am and stronger than I had imagined. He also has a quick temper and the mouth to go with it. He has gotten into trouble at school for lashing out at other students twice this year. He needs to learn to reign in his temper and to step back, to attempt to see things from another's point of view... he needs to learn that he is not always right and that sometimes the feelings of others are so much more important than being right or being the best... he has to learn REMOTE CONTROL over himself and I think that that lesson has to start at home. And I believe that it will start by him reading this entry and seeing that evaluating ones self is important, but owning up to and changing the things you see are problems is even more so.
I think he and I have some hard lessons ahead, but I KNOW that the missing Remote Control in our house is about to be found and put to use. And I know that he can only get better and be more wonderful because of it.
Me on the other hand, I am not sure how I'll fare, so if I send out an SOS please come rescue me from an opinionated, hard-headed and stubborn young man... oh forget it, he is just like me so I will just have to deal and maybe I will learn a few things from him along the way.